holymotherf***ingBIKE!

task number 2 done.

everybody says "i'm fine".

well, we all do.  and if you care enough about someone, you'd ask that person "how are you?" and then wait for the response, give follow up questions until the person opens up.

whenever i wake up in the mornig feeling down, i cheer myself up with doing the things i love to do - listen to feel good music and sing along with it.  i think of ways to be happy and i'd do it rather than think of the memories that have played in my mind for a gazillion times already.

happiness is just a state of mind. it is not a phase.  you decide on it.

what else do i do to be happy (or at least look like it)?  i smile.  like what i've said before - a sincere smile is contagious.  sometimes your smile could brighten up someone else's day as well.

and - lastly - i work so hard.  i may not look like it but i am a workaholic.  i am dead serious at work.  it's because getting a praise for a job well done gives me a different kind of high.  i love this job so much even if we are on a constant pressure.

so, don't worry about what kind of emoshit i've been going through right now.  you don't have to dig in deep to know if i'm doing just fine.  i am fine.  i have decided on it already. :)

---

famous last words:

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

-- Meet Joe Black

i am not gay. i am not bi. i am not a dude.

"God gave me this big ears to listen to your every rant; broad shoulders so you can put your head on it anytime you want; and big hands to hold you if you're down.  how many times do i have to tell you this? of you ever feel lonely -- you know where to find me."

(i have always wished you really liked me and not just my idiosyncrasies.)

--

this always happens to me - men get so comfortable around me they unconsciously treat me like a dude as well.  i don't know what is it that i have to do so that everyone could see me as a woman.  o sometimes relate myself to that lady football coach in glee. only she is older. hahaha

it's sometimes hurtful when male friends tease me about being 'one of them', it feels like my dress-wearing was not enough to make me look like a girl.  geez.

oh well, what's done is done.

--

famous last words:

"I don't want us to be friends.  I've got tons of friends already, you gutless schmuck you."

my kind of a love letter

oooh, you set my soul on fire.

click this link for your listening pleasure

--

Meet me on the Equinox  (Death Cab for Cutie)

Meet me on the Equinox
Meet me half way
When the sun is perched at it's highest peek
In the middle of the day

Let me give my love to you
Let me take your hand
As we walk in the dimming light
Oh darling understand

That everything, everything ends
That everything, everything ends

Meet me on your best behavior
Meet me at your worst
For there will be no stone unturned
Or bubble left to burst

Let me lay beside you, Darling
Let me be your man
And let our bodies intertwine
But always understand

That everything, everything ends
That everything, everything ends
That everything, everything, everything ends

A window
An opened tomb
The sun crawls
Across your bedroom
A halo
A waiting room
Your last breaths
Moving through you

As everything, everything ends
As everything, everything ends
As everything, everything, everything
Everything, everything, everything ends

Meet me on the Equinox
Meet me half way
When the sun is perched at it's highest peek
In the middle of the day

Let me give my love to you
Let me take your hand
As we walk in the dimming light
Oh darling understand

That everything, everything ends

i'm back to secretzen lurking!

this is why i love manix abrera.

** i LOVE his humor.

method to madness

(*title taken from pat evangelista)

--

wasakan ba kamo?

"it just took him 6 words to crush my soul."

i did a lot of stupid things; crazy things.  but i never did anything to deserve a "second coming".  i was always a good girl.  why, then?

apparently, history really repeats itself - specially when you haven't learned anything from the first one.  but deep down i still thank God for this third strike.  it was the best wake-up call.

he can never break me for i am already broken, but still i am just a person, i still feel pain.

well, even if i am sort of hurting, i am not dragging anyone into my melancholy.  i am not going to go around and tell the world how life sucks.  because this doesn't hurt as much as the past.  this'll just sting a bit.

i have been through charles, i can get through anything.

--

too tough? too cold hearted? when you hit rockbottom, you never get to feel anything else.

--o0o---

famous last words:

*this is for ardel.  this is for staying up with me in the wee hours of the night listening to my bullshit.  i know you're already taking care of your other friends already.  thanks for everything.  you have done so much to us i don't know how can we ever repay you.  but please stick around me for now, i need someone (with a more stable mind and a more practical heart than me) that could remind me of what i have to do to be sane again.ily

this is how i roll.

only one blogpost was created from this junk =)

the constant battle of the soul, the heart and the mind

spiritual warfare

it's when you're really, really faithful to God and His words so the devil gives you bigger trials for him to break your soul.. to get you mad or question or hate God.  i have heard this from my roomie.  i believe in what she says but it got me thinking... i haven't experienced any trials in life that made me question God.  is it because my faith was not as big as hers, or is it because i don't believe in satan? hmn.

i believe devils are human beings who do bad things, harmful things.  but every one of us has this tiny, microscopic goodness in our hearts that never fades. everyone has a good side and it's all i focus on everyone i know.  yes, i may not like a person but it doesn't mean i hate 'em because we're not of the same lifestyle, or wavelength.  people see the lava, the fire that comes out in the volcano, but i focus on what's fueling the magma, what's making it rattle.

--

heartbreak warfare

"Love is a battlefield."

that's how the song goes.

people fight for love because they feel a different kind of happiness around the person.  and you don't get to feel it with everyone else.  they want to constantly experience that happiness so they do things to make it work.  it is downright selfish but true.  all of us are the same -- behind the facade, the poker face, the steel walls -- we all want the happiness that comes from being loved by someone we love as well.  it's fighting for your right to be happy.

--

power warfare

addiction is a constant surrender to a craving.  i have read that to fight addiction, you have to fight your battle on power, on taking control.

"rationale: each person struggles daily and deeply with power - it's lack or absence and its acquisition.  connected to this is the fact that beneath every crisis in life, whatever it is emotional, physical, spiritual, or physiological, is the issue of taking control, which is actually power." (Cory Quirino)

our mind is very powerful, yet we never use it well.  we let the cravings overtake us; the environment, we let it dictate us.  but we can do anything we set our mind to, and it includes getting out of an addiction.

here's to proving a point.

my heart has already felt a love so strong, i think it would last me 2 lifetimes more.  believe it or not. hahaha.  i may not know everything, but i know myself.  my early 20s was spent knowing me.  it's because i hate it when people tell me my bad side.. so that soul searching thing everyone else dreamed of? i did it for years.  so.. knowing myself, i know when it's love and i know when it's not.  i just don't know why others can't see the difference.  i had mc in this mythical emotional plateau, and everyone else? just on the ground.  and even if i didn't get to have with mc what others would validate as love, IT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE LOVED LESS THAN THEY DO.

and this doesn't mean i can't love again - there's just no one, really.  

you just have to realize the difference between me and the other girls: i control me.  what i say, what i write, what i do -- and what i feel.   i go crazy with what i feel, but nothing could turn in to love simply because i don't let it.  all of these feelings are just for the meantime. for i wouldn't know what the future has for me =)

is that a good thing? definitely not.  but it's the only way i get by.  'to each his own'.

i just think it's better than falling for the same crap again and again.  but then again, to each his own.

that love has made me a control freak, extremely cautious of not letting myself get hurt again.  the contradiction here is that all these time my senses are also wide open at a chance of new love as well. 

--

famous last words:

"Happy endings may not happen to me but it must happen to everyone else around me."  (moi)

everything's so blurry.

ito ang smashing pumpkin =D

self-medication

(Breakfast at Tiffany's is one of my all-time favorite films because Holly Golightly, for a while, proved that it is possible to live the free spirited life without looking it.  but in the end, it was love that prevailed.  this line suits me very well.)


--


"Okay. life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.  you call yourself a 'free spirit', a 'wild thing', and you're terrified somebody's gonna stuck you in a cage.  well, baby, you're already in that cage.  you built it yourself.  and it's not bounded in the west by tulip, texas, or in the east by somali-land.  it's wherever you go.  because no matter where you go, you just end up running into yourself."

older. better. wiser(?). stronger.

at this stage, believe it or not, i don't get to really "feel" anymore.  i can only "think", or respond (out of reflexes).  but but BUT -- libido is getting in the way. damn.  glad that i am a control freak. so it's not winning hahaha. fuckingfrigid.

--

dear someone,

if this won't make you realize what i think of you, then i don't know what else will. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tnkl5L2eVfM

--

happy birthday to me.


--o0o--

famous last words:

"My problem with you is exactly what I had with Gael."

dear soulmate.

how to feed your soul

Roam. it's either going to another city, country, or just walking around your compound.  it's about looking around and enjoying your senses to what it sees/feels/hears.  always try to learn something new just by looking around.

Listen.  and by that i mean listen using your heart.  people these days are self-centered they ask you questions but they actually don't care of your answers.  they just have to strike up a conversation so they can have the liberty of talking their lives to you.  it takes patience to listen.  it's a talent.

Prolong the sensory pleasure.  this is one example: when you listen to a good jamaican music - LET GO.  dance.  sing your heart out.  imagine yourself immersed in to the song.  feel the motherf******g vibe.  hold on to the feeling while it lasts.  music is great for the soul.

Read.  any kind will do.   it takes you to places you may never get the chance to go, so go deep into reading.  and it takes your mind off of stupid, senseless things as well.  your creativity comes out while reading a good book.

Give it a go.  do not be afraid.  whatever it is that you wanted to do - you just go ahead and do it.  achieving what your mind thinks feels really, really good.  like what i always say - you try anything once.

Speak up.  my favorite part.  always share what you know.  not only it helps people - it makes you a channel of inspiration as well.  share good words.  be an eternal optimist.

Laugh.  always try to see the lighter side of life.  even if it's hard to do so.  life is tough, it's painful.  but while we're at it, we might as well make good use of it.  watching funny movies and laughing your heart out is one good way of taking it easy.

and above all else.. LOVE.

--

...because "life is too short to live it just for you".

--

famous last words: 

"my soul is filled with lessons and wisdom from what my senses have gathered, it won't wander off anywhere else."  (moi)

the lighter side of hospitals

(this was written a year ago, while i was roaming around UST Hospital)

• here in the hospital the nurses / interns are gorgeous. bloody gorgeous.
• you get to be friends with your roomies - they keep you up with stories you have never heard before.
• when you have nothing else to do, go out! roam around.  talk to the guards - they always have fun stories to tell.  they love talking to strangers as well.
• still bored to the core? stare at the other patients.  check if they're still alive.
• hospitals have kickass facilities so use it when you have the chance. yay

8

there's this one task in my "to-do" list which says go to a park, spend all day just writing down in one sitting all i could remember about what happened to the last 8 years of my life.  ondoy destroyed the memories of my past so i had to write it all again, or what's left in my memory.  if i won't write it down again, i'd forget about it in a couple of years.

--

the problem is -- reminiscing causes chest pain.  the more important question is - do i really want to remember it all again? when that notebook task will push through, i will have the chance to reread it and just go through all the pain again.  is it worth it?

--

i just wanted something tangible.  i wanted assurance, that everything really did happen.  i want to write it down before my memory fails me and question myself if those events really did happen or if it was just my imagination.  i wanted to write it all down before i could still know the difference.

--

my subconscious is still a mess but i dont' have the time to figure it all out.  as long as i'm functional, i;m good.  

--

famous last words:

"What if" is an illusion.  a fond memory you created.  that's all you have to know.  so stop thinking about your 'what ifs' -- it was never real. (moi)

letting go of the muse

maybe this will be the last time i'd ever talk about you, gael.  you have been a generous muse for years.  but time has taught me this: you are all just a muse and nothing more.  i guess it's true when they say you can never get everything in life. 

and so, i have to let you go now.  and it's okay.  i am ready to give you up.  not because i want to, but because i can't keep shooting aimlessly at you.  

thank you for everything.  you are still my "way beyond both"**.

have a great life, kid.

--

** -> "there is want, there is like, but you are my waaay beyond both."