the road less travelled (part two)

Compassion means sensitivity to the presence of suffering in others and in ourselves, coupled with a deep desire to alleviate that suffering.

It’s not just giving out kind words, or profound sayings you have heard somewhere. It’s not just about absorption, or making the other person feel you truly understand (no one ever will, because each one of us thinks differently).  It’s not just holding their hands while crying.  It’s not about advices or offering help.  It’s all of the above.

In short, compassion means “suffering with”.

Listening to a lot of people’s suffering easily filled my heart with pain, it overpowered my own.  I knew I had to protect myself so I thought of ways to keep calm and collected when others are chaotic or on the verge of exploding, or just really, really hurting.  Someone has to stay strong (it also comes handy at work; they call it “grace under pressure”). And although it worked well on me, it has its downside: I sometimes come off as detached, someone who doesn’t care at all.

BUT I DIDN’T MEAN TO.  I JUST HAVE TO.

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It’s not easy being someone’s confidant / fortress.  But it’s one of those paths I chose – to be used up (in any way possible). Let me repost what I have said before:

"In the coming years, I may not be able to be with people, with friends who got used to me being 'always there' for them.  So before I leave and start pursuing my other 'calling', I want every part of me to be used up fully.  I want to leave my thoughts / knowledge to everyone who liked what I talk about.  I want them to remember my eyes that cried with them on their struggle.  My lips that smiled with them in their times of triumph.  My shoulders they have leaned on when they had problems.  My ears that patiently listened to their rants.  I want them to remember my arms that hugged them when they're feeling lonely.  My hands that held theirs just because.  My legs that walked with them  to places.  And my heart - I want to leave a part of my heart to every person that crossed my path.  I want to leave them knowing that I have sincerely loved them with everything I got and without asking in return."

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Compassion.  I may seem strong and all, but for me, it genuinely hurts.