“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart.. the waking up is the
hardest part..”
---o0o---
Granted that I was older and that I should know better, but life
didn’t give me enough experiences to know what is real, and what is not.
What is sincere, and what is fake. But I know what is love, and I know
what is not. Too bad he made me realize that I wasn’t worth fighting for.
All I know is everything is real on my part. The feelings,
the pain (THE PAIN!!), the words, the vulnerability, the laughter – everything.
I didn’t want to say ‘he was mine’ in the first place for we could
never own someone. The guy that I was talking about is the guy who’s been
chatting with me for many months since last year. We had good laughs,
great conversations. And then things changed; conversations changed;
feelings changed. We started making all these plans when he gets
here. Lots of it. He promised a lot of things. I promised this one
thing. And I HELD ON TO THOSE PROMISES. All because I trust the guy
will do this one thing I have asked of him – to not break my heart.
And then he came here. And a few weeks of him not looking
for me gave me this dreadful idea of what’s going to happen in the next few
days, months, years. The feeling is familiar. I was here
before. I am going to the path of heartbreak and self-destruction.
I got the confirmation that he is in a relationship now. So
I started to live life (I think) (uh, no not really); and veered away from
everything that will remind me of him. It was excruciating. Every day was
a hard day to get up because reality felt worse. I know I don’t deserve
this. I haven’t done anything wrong. The chest pain came back, and
it came back worse than before. I knew right then, this will be the worst
heartbreak in the series of my heartbreaks.
Until this accident happen. We accidentally saw each other.
He took a moment to talk to me alone. He apologized. I started
crying. Every inch of pain that he ever gave me, at that moment, I wanted
to throw back at him. But I couldn’t speak, and because I didn’t know how
to say “YOU BROKE MY HEART” in a nicest way (the kind that doesn’t sounded like
I’m asking for his pity) – I just cried and stared and listened to him saying
how much of a jerk he had been, and that it was me all along, and that he loved
me and that he’s going to get his shit together.. and so on…
He asked – no, he begged – for me to stay and talk more. He said
he wanted to experience in real what we had in the net last year. I kept
on saying he has a girlfriend. And that she is a great girl.
And although I said yes to go with him on a Sunday, I never forget
that he was with someone.
But I hope everyone will understand that he asked for it.
And I said yes because yes, I was curious, too. We just have to know what
it’s like if things were different. What we had was real, but circumstances
lead us to a different path. We both wanted to know what it’s like
– FOR JUST A DAY.
That Sunday was great. He laughed a lot. He talked a
lot. Walked around a lot. And apologized a lot.
(I know what he felt right when he looked into my eyes. I
remembered him saying he hasn’t felt anything like it before. Now I don’t
know why he didn’t fight for that feeling. Why he didn’t fight for
me. I know I told him to let me go. It is in my nature to let the love
go, even if it hurts me. And he did. But I really wanted to know
why he turned his back on something more.)
Now, I don’t know what he told his girl but the girl is fuming mad
at me. And I felt sort of violated with the messages I have gotten.
I understand. But I am not trying to steal his man. I know to whom
his heart belongs. I saw it in his eyes. He chose me. But I had
to let go. Because I do not want any trouble and it’s just in my personality
to always let the guy go. Because it if it’s meant to be, it’ meant to
be.
This guy knew he was a jerk. He said so himself. I am
still mad at everything he did from the first week of January. Maybe it’s
just him; he’s got to do what he’s got to do. I only wished he know the
impact of what he’s done to me. This will take me years.
Age doesn’t make me an experienced one when it comes to these
things. Vulnerability was never my thing – then came him.
It was hard for me to believe what he has said to me but the truth
is, I can see it in his eyes, the sincerity of most of the things he has told
me. It’s just that, he can’t fight for what felt right. I hope that
he can live his life knowing that he has turned his back on something
that may never come again.
Good morning, good luck and goodbye.
So much for treating someone like a princess.
---o0o---
Famous last words:
(“You want me? You love me? Then let’s see if you can fight
for me.”)