a not-so-tell-all

“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart.. the waking up is the hardest part..”

---o0o---

Granted that I was older and that I should know better, but life didn’t give me enough experiences to know what is real, and what is not.  What is sincere, and what is fake.  But I know what is love, and I know what is not.  Too bad he made me realize that I wasn’t worth fighting for.

All I know is everything is real on my part.  The feelings, the pain (THE PAIN!!), the words, the vulnerability, the laughter – everything.

I didn’t want to say ‘he was mine’ in the first place for we could never own someone.  The guy that I was talking about is the guy who’s been chatting with me for many months since last year.  We had good laughs, great conversations.  And then things changed; conversations changed; feelings changed.  We started making all these plans when he gets here.  Lots of it.  He promised a lot of things. I promised this one thing.  And I HELD ON TO THOSE PROMISES.  All because I trust the guy will do this one thing I have asked of him – to not break my heart.

And then he came here.  And a few weeks of him not looking for me gave me this dreadful idea of what’s going to happen in the next few days, months, years.  The feeling is familiar.  I was here before.  I am going to the path of heartbreak and self-destruction.

I got the confirmation that he is in a relationship now.  So I started to live life (I think) (uh, no not really); and veered away from everything that will remind me of him.  It was excruciating. Every day was a hard day to get up because reality felt worse.  I know I don’t deserve this.  I haven’t done anything wrong.  The chest pain came back, and it came back worse than before.  I knew right then, this will be the worst heartbreak in the series of my heartbreaks.

Until this accident happen.  We accidentally saw each other.  He took a moment to talk to me alone.  He apologized.  I started crying.  Every inch of pain that he ever gave me, at that moment, I wanted to throw back at him.  But I couldn’t speak, and because I didn’t know how to say “YOU BROKE MY HEART” in a nicest way (the kind that doesn’t sounded like I’m asking for his pity) – I just cried and stared and listened to him saying how much of a jerk he had been, and that it was me all along, and that he loved me and that he’s going to get his shit together.. and so on…

He asked – no, he begged – for me to stay and talk more. He said he wanted to experience in real what we had in the net last year.  I kept on saying he has a girlfriend.  And that she is a great girl.

And although I said yes to go with him on a Sunday, I never forget that he was with someone. 

But I hope everyone will understand that he asked for it.  And I said yes because yes, I was curious, too.  We just have to know what it’s like if things were different.  What we had was real, but circumstances lead us to a different path.  We both wanted to  know what it’s like – FOR JUST A DAY. 

That Sunday was great.  He laughed a lot.  He talked a lot.  Walked around a lot.  And apologized a lot. 

(I know what he felt right when he looked into my eyes.  I remembered him saying he hasn’t felt anything like it before.  Now I don’t know why he didn’t fight for that feeling.  Why he didn’t fight for me.  I know I told him to let me go. It is in my nature to let the love go, even if it hurts me.  And he did.  But I really wanted to know why he turned his back on something more.)

Now, I don’t know what he told his girl but the girl is fuming mad at me.  And I felt sort of violated with the messages I have gotten.  I understand.  But I am not trying to steal his man.  I know to whom his heart belongs.  I saw it in his eyes.  He chose me.  But I had to let go.  Because I do not want any trouble and it’s just in my personality to always let the guy go.  Because it if it’s meant to be, it’ meant to be. 

This guy knew he was a jerk.  He said so himself.  I am still mad at everything he did from the first week of January.  Maybe it’s just him; he’s got to do what he’s got to do.  I only wished he know the impact of what he’s done to me.  This will take me years.

Age doesn’t make me an experienced one when it comes to these things.  Vulnerability was never my thing – then came him.

It was hard for me to believe what he has said to me but the truth is, I can see it in his eyes, the sincerity of most of the things he has told me.  It’s just that, he can’t fight for what felt right.  I hope that he can live his life  knowing that he has turned his back on something that may never come again.

Good morning, good luck and goodbye.

So much for treating someone like a princess.

---o0o---

Famous last words:

(“You want me? You love me?  Then let’s see if you can fight for me.”)