becoming X

Sometimes I wonder if God gives me trials as distraction to move away from what I have been working on; or an opportunity to risk, to throw away everything I’ve trained myself to and cross a different path that MIGHT make me a happier person.  I really don’t know.  All I know is I have been working my ass off on becoming _______ for years.  And it’s been a tough road.  A lot of tears, sacrifices and acceptance had been made to get to where I am now.  And now that I’m close to it, nothing could get in the way.  Just no more distractions / opportunities, please.

I had been giving out happiness and comfort for the longest time.

I think it’s about time to pursue mine.

--o0o—

famous last words:

“Father, if You are willing, please take this cup of

suffering away from me.  Yet I want Your will

Be done, not mine.”

(Luke 22:42)

 

pvd, version 2.012 - starting with this kickass song as soundtrack for this year

Florence and the Machine - Shake It Out

 

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a final mess but it's left me so empty
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

"What we focus on, we empower and enlarge. Good multiplies when focused upon. Negativity multiplies when focused upon. The choice is ours: Which do we want more of?"

- Julia Cameron

your lovelife according to Quiapo.

“Ang mundo ay isang malaking Quiapo.  Maraming snatcher.  Maaagawan ka.  Punong puno rin dito ng iba’t-ibang klase ng paninda.  Kaya ibenta mo ang sarili mo ng tama.  Maraming mang-aalok at magsasabing magagamot ka nila sa ano mang sakit na pinagdadaanan mo – ingat ingat lang at huwag magpapabuyo.  Napakarami ring manghuhula sa kapalaran mo – huwag mong pakikinggan ang idinidikta nila sa iyo.. sundin mo ang nasa puso mo.  Sa Quiapo, marami ka ring makikitang DVD – dami mo talagang mapagpipilian! Merong hard to find, series, you name it – ayun lang, lahat sila peke..  Gusto mo ba ‘yon?

Napakalaki talaga ng Quiapo.  Pero para hindi ka na masaktan, maagawan, masnatch-an, mapeke, maloko, madiktahan at kung ano ano pa man – magsimba ka na lang.  Ipagpasa-Diyos mo na lang ang lahat ng ‘yan.”

of old habits, prolonged imagination and letting go.

dear you,

You know what happens with watching too much TV, reading too much novels and listening to too much of what they tell you?  They sort of take you to that plateau where your imagination takes you ANYWHERE you wanna go.  And it’s so much fun.  You get to be creative and play around.  And then you start to get lost along the way until you finally have lost it – taking you away from being the realist you once was.

oooohlalaland.

You go to work, do your routine, live like a robot – with your head filled with tons of thoughts that remained from your stay in your prolonged imagination.  Suddenly that fine line between imagination and reality got blurred.  Shaken and confused, you didn’t know what to do so you stayed like that for a long time…until things got worse and pain started to come out of it.

expectations vs. reality.

It’s hurting you in all kinds of horrible ways but you didn’t let go.  Because even if it did hurt,  you were happy staying and living in between.  It’s like you’re consumed with pain – and continued on consuming pain because it feeds off of your highs (your lalaland).  You have to get out of it, but you don’t want to.

everything in its right place.

At first, you’re gonna hate yourself for not giving it your all to make it work – “why do I have to let one of my 2 worlds go?”,  you must ask.  Because.  We can only live in one world, this world that is tangible, painful and volatile.  Yes, it’s going to hurt, and it’s going to hurt bad.  But remember that everything you are right now is going to take you where you really belong – and it’s something real, and it’s in this place.  Not in some lalaland you created that was filled with false hopes and broken promises.

And most importantly, watch / read / take everything in moderation, for Pete’s sake.  You’re draining me out of metaphors.

Sincerely,

Your alter ego from the real world

---o0o---

Famous last words:

<all for my muse>

"Thank you for everything.

I’m ready to let go now.

It’s just too sad to realize

I was not even an option in the first place.

Goodbye and have a great life.”