SQUARE ONE

Dear God,


I should be used to this already – starting myself from scratch – but still it pains me today trying to get back from losing and from the fall.  I know I’m strong and that I know better, but I don’t know what I have done wrong to deserve 3 heartbreaks in a row, in less than 6 months.

 

But You know, I have gone through a lot of losses before.  Our house got burned down before and it left us with nothing – we got through it.  I got through it.  Then typhoon Ondoy came and again, it left us with nothing.  I got through it all.  Well, maybe not yet with the trauma of almost dying but that’s another story.  I’m not comparing the loss of tangibles with a love lost / a lost love, I’m comparing the things I did to get through the loss itself.  Well, point is, I should know by now what losing feels like.  And I know that this is just a phase and that I will get through it… the only thing that bothered me was this:  I KNOW IN MY HEART I DID NOTHING WRONG TO REACH THIS STAGE; TO FALL THIS HARD; TO GET TO WHERE I AM NOW.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  Don’t I deserve to be told the reason why?  My pride and ego was bruised so bad, You know.

But maybe not knowing is better.  Maybe I don’t need to know the reason/s because bottomline is that I got hurt (the last one was the worst), and no amount of explanation could reverse it.  I’d understand them, yes, but the pain remains.

Hey.  I have been a good and polite girl, and even if love has got me beaten to a pulp my faith in You remains.  Nothing’s going to lose my spirit.  Men can’t break me, for I am already broken =P

You know what I’m about to ask of You now.  I just want the hurting to stop.  I can’t stay this way for a long time, my family and friends need me.  Please help me get my shit together.

---

And so, I’m back to square one.  Just like in good old times, no? hahaha.  God, if this is a trial to test my tolerance, this must be my final exams =)

---o0o---

*disclaimer: I had SEVEN blog entries about this topic and all of them I did trash because I don’t want this blog to be misery-infested; this particular entry got published only because it also speaks of hope.  Huh.  Seven different articles, one theme.  It must really be that painful.  Yikes

here's my theme song at the moment, let's enjoy listening instead =)