making 'reto' to someone -- doesn't work for me.

(i found myself) trying to please yet another friend.
And for the fifth time, i really, really tried to.
But because i am wickedly insane, my emotions (and hallucinations) went all over the place.
Besides, i already know from the start that these things just don’t work for me.


—o0o—


The truth is, I have been trying to ____ again since year 2002.  I have watched this movie last Saturday and i was moved with this particular scene (i so can relate.hmp lagi naman eh)


teddy:   ano ang ginagawa kapag ang isang bagay (or person/feeling in my case) ay nawala sa iyo?
jett:      hinahanap. (did that-check.)
teddy:   paano kapag hindi mo nakita?
jett:     pinapalitan. (check.)
teddy:   paano kung hindi mo mapalitan?
jett:     hinahayaan. (you damn right.)


—o0o—
(going back)
And what’s worse is–everytime i try, the other party, the opposite of the pole, disappears on me.  It hurts a little because they have no idea what it’s like to give yourself another chance (thinking that this time it will be different) when in the end there really is none.  I have to admit, my youth is wasted on these kinds of cycles, and i hate it.


—o0o—


sinasabi ko na-i have to cut down on my koreanovelas.  bad bad bad.

—o0o—

PS- can you describe yourself in one word? i know i can’t.

ranthology

i barely have the time to write… i do want to say a lot… too bad my brilliant (ahem) idea comes in the middle of the night, right when i don’t have the computer and i am too weak to just write it down.. i just sleep it off until i wake up and forget about it..that’s what my mind has been doing lately..  it is so corrupted with something else. it’s true when they say you can choose what you like to retain in your mind..(in my head) there is no such thing as information overload. it’s just me rejecting the info.  geez, now that i have the time to blog, i got nothing brilliant (ahem) to write!  my mind is too busy thinking about some responsibilities about work and family. i really have no time for myself, even just to finish that postcards book. 

thursday maundy thursday

*posted from my blog on April 2006, this entry got the most comments.  read so  you'll know why =) 

enjoy my aning aning state before. haha

---o0o---

remember last year when i apologized because i cannot put up a get together [because] i was in my aning aning state? did you ask yourself why?

—

when you love someone, the love you have for yourself decreases, because you are willing to give up a lot of yourself to someone.  that’s what happened to me when i fell for him roughly 6 years ago (started maundy thursday od 2000).  and when i had to choose between bringing back the old myself-or him, i still chose mc.  why?  because i have already wasted 3 years of my pathetic life trying so hard to unlove him.  trust me, i tried every “moving on” ways everyone knows.  and then it finally hit me–i just can’t get him out of me.  wala lang siya sa puso at isip ko-nasa sistema ko na siya.  so there, i gave up a lot of what i was…and never really got it back.

—

eto na, what’s worse is, everytime i start my story on everyone, they just looked away and shoved it to my face that they’re not interested like –that is so babaw, you never really, completely, officially had him naman, so why whine like that?  so i stop.   that started my aning aning.

—

i know my lovelife (or the lack of it) is not as melodrama or amazing as other’s, but, fuck, i take this seriously.  he took up EIGHT years of my life.  he robbed me of all things, but above all else, it is very, very, very hard to go through all of this pain alone.

—

when i was at my rock bottom–did you even notice it?

bargain daw, o.

(posted from my previous blog on March 2006)

here’s one funny story:

we asked our brother to buy us some second hand books in UP because they got this book bargain/bazaar thingie for the past week.  We gave him a list of books to buy.  He got us three books–The Class, Dying Young and The Unbearable Lightness of Being.  The last book cost about 270 which he made tawad to 250.  After three days my sister and I went to National Book Store to look for yet another book, when we accidentally found the price of a brand new Unbearable….PhP239.75.  Yikes

the stations that get me high

jam88.3

this station is best heard on a "seldom basis". i mean, their selection is sooo good, but if you listen to it for a few straight days, it will make you want them to play more "unheard" songs and if they don’t, it will disappoint you.


wave89.1

The Blue oom. i accidentally knew of it because i was trying on a celfone with radio. since then i got hooked, as in can’t-live-without-it hooked. fact:Erik Mana was a dj in Canada and he plays music heard on the Blue Room. i found it out because he’s one of the "convenor" of the blue room cd 9and i just bought it on sale).The other one’s my crush Wendell Garcia-also a rock ed volunteer.

Dream Sounds. my cure for aning aning nights.


magic89.9

have you seen their dj faith?hot hot chick. i like their playlist, but i would like it more if i was a hs student..


rx93.1
i have said this before, and i will say it again: i may not be a loyal fan, but i am a forever fan. (been listening to chico and del since 15.)


mellow94.7

my bestfriend introduced me to this one. 


99.5rt
sam y g, before. need i say more?


master’s touch 98.7
orchestra and opera music…how cool.

the past

do you get that “flashes” of your past that makes you think if it really did happen, or it was just an act-out scene in your childhood that you kept on thinking until you don’t remember if it actually did happen? i have that.  this one scene.  i was not sure if that “scene” actually happen.  but that that past created a big black hole in what i have become.  even if i am not that sure about that scene, it still scares the sh*t out of me.  i want that past buried, but it keeps creeping out.  i wished it didn’t really happen.  the more i think of it, details gets clearer, and i am getting more and more scared of it.  i want that flashes to stop.  but if it didn’t, i hope it was just my over imaginative thoughts when i was young.

minutes to sunrise

(*gloomy entry before I get back to being a

sunshine)

---

i used to tell my clients "shared pain is lessend

pain".

couldn't apply it to myself.

---

only a few people knew about the details of what

i;ve been going through these past few weeks.

our family had been through the house getting burned

down.  we've been through ondoy.  we lost everything

in both.  but this one blew us the worst.

i've always said "i'm fine" whenever i'm being

asked.  but these past few days it's been really

hard for me to smile.  even just a fake one.  i

don't like talking about it, i don't want to bother

anyone; and even if i do i know i wouldn't finish my

story because i'd end up crying. 

someone told me it's okay to cry.  again, i flashed

a fake smile.  truth is, i had been crying. just not

to his face =P

---

we wouldn't be in agony if only we had the money. 

aah, the downside of being an urban poor.

i know things will be better soon, but is it too

much to ask God to make it sooner?? you don't know

how hard it is to look at your father who lost half

of his weight due to his health condition.  it's so

hard to sleep at home; to do chores but really

couldn't do so much about our tatay.

*whenever i ask God for something i always promise

Him i'd do something in return.  now i ran out of

things to bargain for.  i ran out of things to giv

up on.

---

family problems, money problems, health problems,

work problems and heart problems - all of these were

thrown at me in a span of a week.  and i don't know

what i've been doing to keep myself standing still

and mentally sane.  i really don't know what drives

me. all i know is i have no right to give up.

*i remember walking a long road the morning after

ondoy happened.  we had to look for food.  my legs

gave up on me - i was crying because i almost

couldn't get up - all i wantted to do was just to

sit down.  it was my mindset that got me through. 

just like before, it was force that kept us and will

keep us strong through every situation.

---

btw - all these time i haven't stopped listening out

ot patients (as dr. love).  i needed it - and

besides nothing would stop me from helping out. even

just by mere listening.

---

okay i have shared enough.  now i need a hug.

---o0o---

famous last words:

"I'm in pain.  But I'm fine."(insert fake smile)