minutes to sunrise

(*gloomy entry before I get back to being a

sunshine)

---

i used to tell my clients "shared pain is lessend

pain".

couldn't apply it to myself.

---

only a few people knew about the details of what

i;ve been going through these past few weeks.

our family had been through the house getting burned

down.  we've been through ondoy.  we lost everything

in both.  but this one blew us the worst.

i've always said "i'm fine" whenever i'm being

asked.  but these past few days it's been really

hard for me to smile.  even just a fake one.  i

don't like talking about it, i don't want to bother

anyone; and even if i do i know i wouldn't finish my

story because i'd end up crying. 

someone told me it's okay to cry.  again, i flashed

a fake smile.  truth is, i had been crying. just not

to his face =P

---

we wouldn't be in agony if only we had the money. 

aah, the downside of being an urban poor.

i know things will be better soon, but is it too

much to ask God to make it sooner?? you don't know

how hard it is to look at your father who lost half

of his weight due to his health condition.  it's so

hard to sleep at home; to do chores but really

couldn't do so much about our tatay.

*whenever i ask God for something i always promise

Him i'd do something in return.  now i ran out of

things to bargain for.  i ran out of things to giv

up on.

---

family problems, money problems, health problems,

work problems and heart problems - all of these were

thrown at me in a span of a week.  and i don't know

what i've been doing to keep myself standing still

and mentally sane.  i really don't know what drives

me. all i know is i have no right to give up.

*i remember walking a long road the morning after

ondoy happened.  we had to look for food.  my legs

gave up on me - i was crying because i almost

couldn't get up - all i wantted to do was just to

sit down.  it was my mindset that got me through. 

just like before, it was force that kept us and will

keep us strong through every situation.

---

btw - all these time i haven't stopped listening out

ot patients (as dr. love).  i needed it - and

besides nothing would stop me from helping out. even

just by mere listening.

---

okay i have shared enough.  now i need a hug.

---o0o---

famous last words:

"I'm in pain.  But I'm fine."(insert fake smile)