8

there's this one task in my "to-do" list which says go to a park, spend all day just writing down in one sitting all i could remember about what happened to the last 8 years of my life.  ondoy destroyed the memories of my past so i had to write it all again, or what's left in my memory.  if i won't write it down again, i'd forget about it in a couple of years.

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the problem is -- reminiscing causes chest pain.  the more important question is - do i really want to remember it all again? when that notebook task will push through, i will have the chance to reread it and just go through all the pain again.  is it worth it?

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i just wanted something tangible.  i wanted assurance, that everything really did happen.  i want to write it down before my memory fails me and question myself if those events really did happen or if it was just my imagination.  i wanted to write it all down before i could still know the difference.

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my subconscious is still a mess but i dont' have the time to figure it all out.  as long as i'm functional, i;m good.  

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famous last words:

"What if" is an illusion.  a fond memory you created.  that's all you have to know.  so stop thinking about your 'what ifs' -- it was never real. (moi)